Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Losing Slowly

I am losing slowly, in more ways than one.  The really good news is I've managed to surpass Goal Weight #1 and I'm 4 lbs shy of meeting Goal Weight #2.

Proof.
So that's great at least, right? I'm down 3 lbs. The restricting thing seems to be working as it should, so I will continue that. Which brings me to...

[Day Five]- Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?

Honestly, the reason I'm working on losing this weight is so that I can feel more attractive, and better about myself like I used to. My lowest I've ever weighed is 125. Everyone noticed me. But now, I don't even think anyone would take a second glance. Is that selfish of me to want that? 

[Day Six]- Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.

Short answer, yes. I used to binge. Often. I think it was basically a manifestation of my anxiety. Now that I am seeing results, I'm trying really hard not to fall back on binging. I would spend so much money going out to eat, going to Starbucks and getting coffees, wasn't helping my waistline at all. Food was comfort. I am finding new ways to comfort myself now, and it's only going to help me in the long run.

[Day Seven]- Do your parents know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they care? 

They have no idea what I'm doing. I don't want them to. No one really knows, except 2 people. I want people to notice what I've done and come up to me and be like "Oh wow, you've lost weight!" I'm looking for that shock factor. Plus, that way, if I fail, no one will know it because I've not told anyone about this diet and restriction thing.

That's all for now. I'm tired. Must sleep.



Friday, August 10, 2012

Calorie Realizations

I missed blogging yesterday. I was so caught up in husband drama that I just didn't have time. That being said, yesterday sucked. I totally lost control and binged. How do I go from the girl who has anxiety issues comforted by flavor and food, to the girl who punishes herself by restricting and not eating so much? Needless to say I didn't make my 2lb goal by today.

I jumped on the scale and I only dropped 1 lb. I fasted for nothing basically and I'm determined not to let it happen again.

My intake today:
Breakfast: Vanilla Iced Coffee (280 calories)
Lunch: 1 Sweet Tea (250 calories) ((FUCK! Didn't realize there were so many cals in my favorite drink))

TOTAL INTAKE TODAY: 530 Calories. (which was over my restriction goal that I set for today, just on drinks. Maybe this contributed to my problem? Never thought getting this coffee every day was killing me)


[Day Three]- A picture of your Thinspiration. What features do you like about this person?

Shakira is my Thinspiration



 

I am fascinated by Shakira and I always have been. She is SO BEAUTIFUL and I'd give anything for killer abs like hers. She can glide and force her body into such beautiful angles, it's mesmerizing. Whenever I feel a binge coming on, I usually try to watch my Sharkira music video playlist. It usually cures any desire to binge.


Her arms are perfect. Her legs are nice and tiny. I also love the way her hip bones protrude just a little bit, and her collar bones look so graceful. 



[Day Four]- Your greatest fears about weight loss.

The only thing I'm scared of, is not losing weight quickly enough. I worry I'll get frustrated with it and give up again. But I can't. This is my last try. Honestly, that's my biggest fear. Not losing.

I cannot afford not to lose.

I'm off to do some research about fasting and what might be the most effective way to do so. How often should I eat? I've read every 3 hours, and I've read not at all. I need to do some research now, so i'll be on my way.

Stay strong,
-Brittany

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Paper Bag


Fasting day worked.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.


"Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love"

Perfect.

[Day Two]- How tall are you? Do you like your height?

I'm not really sure what height has to do with how round I am. Honestly, I'm 5' 7'' and I think it's just perfect. Not to tall, not too short. Right in the fucking middle where everything is perfect.


Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

In other news, last night was terrible. I allowed myself to have a celebratory mac-and-cheese dinner. Binging is the worst thing. No more of that. I will fast today because I have to.

I have 2 more days off (today and tomorrow). Before I head back to work, I at least want to hit my first GW of 195lbs in the worst way. Perhaps I'll go for a brisk jog. It's not too hot out today. Maybe a drive to Sertoma Park and then some photographs too? The leaves will be changing soon. My favorite time of the year. Summer is almost over, which means those fall scents are right around the corner...

Also, this is what I look like:



I blog from my bed because it's where I feel the safest right now. Perhaps later I can get my arm/thigh/waist measurements put up, as well as my dreaded "BEFORE" photos. Oh, how disgusting... but at least it will be visual reminder to watch my intake.

Happy fasting,
-Britt
 




Begin.


Tonight I'm weighing in at *197.1* So here's the first of many posts along my journey. I've attempted this before, never really got anywhere. I am tired of being told how fat I am. I want what every single girl on the face of this earth wants. I want to be tiny. I want to be pretty. I want to feel accepted and I want to be free of this constant weight issue. I crave admiration and I want to be so thin that I'm fragile.

I've been teased for it almost my whole life. No one takes me seriously. I cried when I discovered my BMI is actually 30.8.

The worst part (and most likely my driving factor) is my husband. He hasn't really been supportive of me, and honestly his acceptance of me is my driving factor. He's constantly looking at porn. The women are always skin and bones, and when I bring it up to him he says "Well, can you blame me?" We fight often, and he always makes comments like "Go out to eat, Brittany. Pack some more on." It kills me. I want to prove everyone wrong. I've been beautiful before, and I can do it again.

I have this fucking problem where I leech on to whatever pays attention to me, and I refuse to let go.  No matter how fucking dangerous it is. I cant stand being alone, and that's where I'm headed if I don't make this change.

I've managed, somehow, to disgustingly gain 60 lbs in the last 2 years. Don't fucking ask me how I did it. I let myself go. The lowest I've ever been in my entire life was 130. Well, I'm setting my sights higher than that. My target is 120, and I'll do whatever it takes to get there.

Im learning, reading, studying. Diets, exercise plans, restricting, MIA, allllll these delightful tactics that have worked for other bloggers in the past.

I'm going to fucking make this happen. Just you fucking watch. You're going to regret all the hurtful things you've said about me. You're going to watch me bloom into an unbroken butterfly, and fly the fuck away from here as fast as I can.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Painting on canvas...

...can sometimes be like life.
You can mold the canvas, you can create whatever you choose.
But if your painting skills suck, then there's really not much you can do anyway.

You can keep trying to paint what you see in your head,
but it's never going to look the way you imagined it.
You will get more and more frustrated until the painting just doesnt seem like a worthy investment of time anymore, like the original concept has been completely lost to you.

So, do you start over on a fresh canvas?
Or store the painting until it becomes something you'd like to work on again?

...That's random as fuck and I cant believe how relate-able it sounds.

Tips and Rules

Pro-Ana Tips and Rules (I copied this off of a now defunct website, RIP Anna’s Underground Grotto)
* Cold showers help you burn calories to stay warm. Also, cold water helps your hair hold in the vitamins in your shampoo and contioner as well as enhancing volume.
* Water is your best friend. It fills you up and also keeps your skin looking good, not dry or yellow.
* Every now and then, buy tampons or pads. Keep them with you and throw them out as if you had used them; this will allay suspicion that you’ve lost your period due to being too thin.
* Drink a full glass of ice water at least 3 times a day. Good hydration reduces hunger, and it’s good for your skin.
* “Spend” your calories on healthy things such as protein and vegetables; why be thin and dead?
* Layers, people, layers upon layers of clothing! Keeps you warm and keeps people from noticing how thin you’ve become. Gloves and hats are wonderful, too.
* Manicures/pedicures hide brittle nails.
* Caffeine reduces hunger and gives you energy to get through your day.
* Taking antacids will help reduce hunger pains.
* Gum, coffee, and diet soda. Drink or chew constantly and you won’t feel hungry.
* Drinking something warm fills you up and reduces hunger pangs.
* Drinking something cold makes your body burn extra calories to keep you warm.
The 7-7 Rule
Dinner must be eaten by 7:00 pm. After dinner, no food is to be consumed until 7:00 am at the earliest. This is basically the same as a 12-hour fast, meaning if you live by this rule for an entire year, you will have equivalently fasted for 6 months.
The 3-hour Rule
3 hours must pass between the last time you ate and the time you go to bed. This ensures that you are actively burning calories while the food is initially digesting, versus when you are sleeping, when metabolism slows and you burn fewer calories.
When you’re feeling weak…
1. Pinch your thigh and see how you don’t need food, because you should be eating your own flesh all away from the inside first, before you are deserving of actual legitimate s.
2. Go to the library. You can research dieting or whatever, or you can read the classics, or some of the aforementioned literature. Or you can do homework, or write letters, but the beauty of it is, since no food or drink is allowed, you’ll have no choice but to abstain from a meal.
3. Buy some baby teething gel and rub it on your tongue, to numb your tastebuds.
4. If you’re even considering eating, just hold your breath and count to 100. Chances are that you’ll convince yourself not to eat whatever it is you’re craving in that time.
5. The scent of coffee has been proven to lessen ones appetite.
6. Chew the food but don’t swallow it. Spit it in the bin.
7. If you’re feeling dangerous, plan out the next few hours so that you’re occupied for every single minute. Write a list of things to do for every 15 minutes. ex.) exercise, surf the internet, email your friends, clean a room, read a book.
8. If you’re feeling brave enough to face the kitchen, go there and throw out any potential binge foods. If you must, pour bleach/disinfectant/dishwashing detergent on the food, and then throw it away!
9. Pinch your ear! Apply pressure to the front of the ear, one at a time. The front of the ear is apparently a pressure point, in the area that controls hunger.
10. Let perfume replace chocolate. Every time you have a craving, or pass a bakery, sniff some Chanel no. 5. Apply it to a tissue and carry it with you. Smell has a powerful effect on appetite.
11. Clean something. Cleaning something dirty can make you lose your appetite. The toilet, the litter box, under the kitchen sink, scrubbing out the garbage bin, anything grimy or smelly. The mess, along with the smell of the cleaner, can put you off food for a while.
12. Become an artist. Write anorexic poetry. Anorexics are creative. Collect pictures of skinny girls. Stick them all in your notebook.
Avoid that plate!
Here are some things to do INSTEAD OF eating:
1. Clean house! Get busy “hoeing and throwing,” go through old stuff and purge out what you don’t wear, don’t want, don’t need anymore. Dust. Vaccuum. Scrub. Keep busy! It engages the attention and keeps the thoughts off food. If you’re a teen, your mom will be amazed and VERY grateful, so grateful she’ll forget to nag you about food! If you’re an adult, you’ll thank yourself when you’re done!
2. Keep sipping on that lemon-water, tea, or diet pepsi while you work! Keeps the tummy sated so it won’t growl at ya.
3. Put on some music and dance! Or keep the tunes rolling while you clean house, it keeps the work from getting boring and you can boogie while you sweat!
4. Work on your new pro-ana website, or update your online ana journal.
5. Network with other pro-anas through chat, email, messenger or club sites — get some support and motivation from your sisters/brothers when you NEED it!
6. Put together a pro-ana scrapbook (or add some new things if you already have one) with lists of safe foods, low-cal, low-fat, low-carb recipes, word collages, and of course, TRIGGER PICS!!!
7. Surf the web and make a list of all the pro-ana sites you can find, or all the safe-food sites you can find, or all the places online where you can buy diet pills, shake mixes, etc. These lists are VERY handy for research and sharing with others!
8. Get up off that lazy cow butt and take a walk or start working out! You still have fat to burn, don’t you??? Quit laying around dreaming of donuts and pizza and GET BUSY!!! =)

Idiosyncrasy

I guess I'll fucking try it again.
I suppose I should be excited.
...I'm really not. But I thought I'd give it a try.